My Journey of Grief
On November 15, 1994 I went to bed happy with my life. I had the pets I had longed for all my life, a nice car, my dream home, an amazing herb garden filled with fruit trees, herbs and edible flowers, and I had married prince charming. We were planning on starting a large family. We both had constructed careers which would allow us to work from home, so that both of us could raise our children…
On November 16, 1994 I woke up to find my future had evaporated during the night. My most beloved husband of less than three years, had died of a heart attack during the night. I would never be the same. I was in a nightmare from which I could not awake. The sun did not shine for me. Friends and family no longer brought me joy. If felt all alone in the world. I no longer enjoyed any of my hobbies. I could not eat. I could not get warm. I bounced from not being able to sleep to sleeping round the clock. I lost track of time – weeks at a time.
No amount of life insurance can ever make up the loss of a much beloved spouse, but my husband’s life insurance fell woefully short of my financial need. I had to work. Worse, I had to earn, by myself, what it took two people to earn. I trusted no one to understand what I was going through - I felt lost, lonely, frightened, hopeless. My work suffered. I became physically ill. Medications didn’t work. Doctors were suggesting surgery, yet I had no health insurance. I wanted to die, if only to be with my beloved husband again.
After all that needless suffering for four agonizingly long months, I finally sought counseling. It had been suggested to me that most men grieve for around one year, while most women grieve for around three years. It took me five years before I could “put up” Christmas lights, and a total of seven years before I felt like celebrating anything. This was not because any of the five different counselors I drifted to were deficient in any way. On the contrary, each provided a different piece of the puzzle I needed to put myself back together. Still, it would have been nice to recover more quickly and with fewer counselors.
As a Certified Grief £Recovery Specialist® I will offer you not only my training, but also my personal experience and insight on this most difficult journey that all of us will travel.
Namaste
Mickey
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